117
(4 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
One thing is surtain about death: we're all going to die; the trick is not to rush it.
|
133
(2 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
The Age Thoughts Paradox is that at every age you think that:
"I'm glad I'm not the clueless person I was five years ago, but now I don't want to get any older."
|
2
(6 votes, average 4.83 out of 5)
|
American Rugby is the American light form of Rugby, where the professional players still got their own teeth and skull. The sport is also known as American Football, as a misleading name, which serves the purpose of appearing tougher then "Real Football", since the comparing against "Real Rugby" just will put the sport in the shadow.
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3
(7 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
44
(9 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
To argue on the Internet is like Special Olympics. If you win, then you’re still a retard.
|
45
(6 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
The medium you can use to blame your screwed love life on giant balls of burning hydrogen halfway across the universe, instead of stopping dating losers.
|
46
(6 votes, average 4.67 out of 5)
|
Baseball is an American upgrade of cricket, but still boring to watch. Pretty fun to play though!
|
81
(8 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
|
47
(6 votes, average 4.83 out of 5)
|
Big Bang is the Theory about that in the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
|
77
(5 votes, average 4.80 out of 5)
|
The day you cried and made other people happy.
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64
(6 votes, average 4.67 out of 5)
The Butterfly Effect is the poetic explanation about that everything that happens will affect the big pig picture over time. (As we wouldn’t know that for a fact from before)
But for those who need an example, and one they can relate too better then the butterfly/hurricane:
Football scenario: 22 pairs of legs (that's 44 legs, maths and legs fans!*) influence the euphoria of a nation, influence that nation's road traffic patterns, influence the number of people who die on the roads that evening. It is totally rational to conclude therefore that a single game of football raises the number of parallel universes out there to the power of millions and billions.
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48
(6 votes, average 4.50 out of 5)
|
Chaos is the term used by people who does not manage to see the complex order in the system.
(Like my office desk at work... I get furious if the cleaner tries to mess with my complex structure of paper piles...)
|
49
(6 votes, average 4.17 out of 5)
|
Communism is an interesting disillusioned theory and system of social and political organization that aims for equality and collective structure, but it does not work in practise in the world we know today.
|
88
(6 votes, average 4.33 out of 5)
|
Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
|
69
(7 votes, average 4.71 out of 5)
|
Open your phone message statistics and read off the total number of messages sent/received. Divide the number received by the number sent.
(number received) / (number sent) = (Your Cool Index)
Cool Index
2.50 or higher: you're hypercool; you can get away with little effort.
1.50 to 2.49: you're cool.
1.00 to 1.49: you're fairly popular.
0.50 to 0.99: you're a borderline scab to society.
0.25 to 0.49: you're lonesome and you live through others (not cool).
0.11 to 0.24: you're clearly desperate for attention, quite possibly as the result of a failed relationship.
0.10 or lower: you need to lock your keypad more often.
|
90
(9 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music.
|
94
(6 votes, average 4.83 out of 5)
|
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
|
82
(10 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
|
76
(6 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Do as little as possible, and that unwillingly, for it is better to receive a slight reprimand then to perform an arduous task.
|
96
(6 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Economics is the science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.
|
80
(6 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
106
(7 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
If you're looking for "Sympathy", then the best place to find it is in the dictionary between "Shit" and "Syphilis".
|
50
(7 votes, average 4.57 out of 5)
|
Football is the sport where you use your foot to control a ball. Hence; the words "Foot" and "Ball". Must not be confused with American Rugby!
|
128
(4 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
|
85
(7 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
|
51
(6 votes, average 4.17 out of 5)
|
The helmet is mainly used for avoiding crushing your scull while you are doing brainless scull crushing activities you should have avoided in the first place.
|
52
(6 votes, average 4.50 out of 5)
|
The real reason why you never find a pair of socks after you take them out of the laundering machine, and the reason why your car keys never lays on the place were you put them.
|
53
(8 votes, average 4.63 out of 5)
|
The human body's biggest flaw is that you can be thirsty at the same time you have to pee.
|
54
(7 votes, average 4.29 out of 5)
|
IQ is a numeric way of trying to measure the abilities of logic thinking and problem solving. Often mistaken for intelligent!
|
70
(6 votes, average 4.17 out of 5)
|
Academic professionals who write things in chalk on blackboards - ostensibly to make you learn things - but who have an uncanny ability to stand right in front of the board, obscuring your view and making it absolutely impossible to copy anything down. This way of teaching is also extremely ineffective and old fashion, but is still used by incompetent academic professionals who think copying from them is more instructive then just copying directly from a book. This again is ironic, since from the book you can at least see the letters.
|
97
(8 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
|
74
(9 votes, average 4.89 out of 5)
When it comes to love there are six things you have to remember: - Dopamin
- Noradrenalin
- Oxytycin
| - Serotonin
- Kortisol
- Estorsteron
| The rest comes easy...
|
55
(8 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Madness is sometimes the quiet little voice in the end of the day saying,
“Hey, is there room in your head for one more?”
|
56
(6 votes, average 4.33 out of 5)
|
McDonald’s is the biggest producer of toys in the world, and still do they call themselves a fast-food chain when they don’t even produce food.
|
57
(9 votes, average 4.78 out of 5)
|
Life is like a beanstalk, isn’t it?
|
93
(9 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.
|
91
(8 votes, average 4.25 out of 5)
|
Newspapers are for those who likes yesterdays news.
|
127
(4 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
|
98
(8 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more.
Then less just looks pathetic.
|
86
(5 votes, average 4.00 out of 5)
|
Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
|
58
(8 votes, average 4.88 out of 5)
|
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.
|
92
(7 votes, average 4.86 out of 5)
|
Planning is to bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now.
|
99
(9 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.
|
100
(9 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Pressure can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basketcase.
|
101
(6 votes, average 4.50 out of 5)
|
The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.
|
75
(8 votes, average 4.75 out of 5)
|
An awful lot of problems solve themselves if you just leave them be.
|
134
(2 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
If a problem can be solved, then why worry? And if it can not be solved, what use is it to worry?
|
102
(9 votes, average 4.67 out of 5)
|
No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them.
|
118
(5 votes, average 4.60 out of 5)
|
A programmer is an organism that turns coffee into software.
|
107
(8 votes, average 4.75 out of 5)
|
Programming can be like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
|
119
(5 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
The big trouble and issue with punctuality is that, if you’re being punctual then there are nobody there to appreciate it
|
59
(6 votes, average 4.17 out of 5)
|
Quisling is synonymous with traitor, and origin from Vidkun Quisling, the only Norwegian who managed to get Norway to change the law and allowing death penalty just for his trial.
|
68
(8 votes, average 4.25 out of 5)
The art of providing support to either or both parties of a failed relationship in an effort to highlight or resolve troublesome differences and to avoid distress for all involved.
If someone you know is having difficulty getting over someone, the best way to help them get over that someone is to tell them a joke. This will distract them and hopefully keep their mental focus off the relationship, if only briefly. Your mileage may vary depending on quality of joke.
|
60
(8 votes, average 4.75 out of 5)
Religion is an outcome of people trying to find the answers to:
- Where do I come from?
- What is the meaning of life?
- What happens after death?
|
|
or:
|
How can I make a lot of money, and gain absolute power over mindless sheep?
|
|
61
(7 votes, average 4.71 out of 5)
|
Saint Valentine’s Day is a pure commercial day, which allow a jerk to get away with being insensitive 364 days a year, as long as he buy flowers and chocolate, lingerie and a fancy candlelight dinner on the 14th of February. That is also why this day most likely were invented by a guy, and not buy a girl which most people think and believes is most logical.
|
79
(8 votes, average 4.75 out of 5)
|
Sleep is only a poor substitute for caffeine.
|
71
(6 votes, average 4.33 out of 5)
|
We spend a third of our lifetimes sleeping, but sleep is actually entirely unnecessary as you can now take totally harmless and natural drugs to cure your wanton desires for the time-wasting bastard.
|
62
(7 votes, average 4.57 out of 5)
|
Soccer is word some illiterate people use for football!
|
87
(7 votes, average 4.57 out of 5)
|
Software is like sex: it's better when it's free.
|
121
(5 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
|
104
(8 votes, average 4.63 out of 5)
|
Stupidity in action: Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.
|
78
(6 votes, average 4.50 out of 5)
|
Thanksgiving is an American tradition where they celebrate a genocide by fist fucking a dead bird.
|
135
(2 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
|
120
(5 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway. Thats the Power of Self Beliefs!!!
|
103
(6 votes, average 4.17 out of 5)
|
What is The Secret? Pretend you've already achieved it- Then offer to sell The Secret to others. That's the secret of success!
|
124
(4 votes, average 4.50 out of 5)
|
What's twenty-four? (US-Count)
- Six by four
- Eight by three
- Twelve by two
- Six past legal
- Three past drinking
- One before cheap insurance
- Space Shuttle Discovery
- SLR cameras
|
67
(6 votes, average 4.17 out of 5)
USB ("Universal Cereal Box") is a wonderful means of transferring data hither thither between devices. The process of connecting your MP3 player to your USB and loading songs onto it is more formally known as "data wanging". The technical term for removing your cable from the device is "bailing out". If you snap a USB connector by treading on it, you are a "bastard".
If you try putting a USB cable in, think you've got it upside-down, try the other way round, realise that you had it right the first time and so have to try it the other way again, and you seem to manage to take three tries to do this seemingly 50:50 task every single time you attempt it.
|
63
(6 votes, average 4.00 out of 5)
|
A wallet is a device which is invented so that you can loose all your money and important cards, paper and documents at the same time.
|
105
(8 votes, average 4.50 out of 5)
|
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
|
126
(4 votes, average 5.00 out of 5)
|
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewere, would much rather you weren't doing.
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